my employee came out as trans

A high school friend refused, and she later proved to be a huge transphobe; were no longer in touch. Malicious compliance is my favorite form of petty. Hes easygoing about names but prefers the long form, so he never told them not to call him the diminutive, but I always have. Elizabeth sounds veryodd. Anyone who did this around his mom would probably lose an eye. IDC if you agree with how they live their life, you treat them as fellow human beings. The one exception being that you want HR to do something that amounts to illegal discrimination. Yeah-even if requests for change are denied. Text 07786 202 370. My understanding is that they dont think anyone can change physical sex, and have no idea how to define the terms men and women without referring to biology or old-fashioned sexist stereotypes. However, son is away at college (well, was before the pandemic, not sure how his campus is handling things for fall) and has developed into a young man quite capable of fighting his own battles. For instance, one common defense in these cases is we have strict policies against harassment, and we have this reporting mechanism to deal with any incidents. Just like many parents of trans folks, theyre not all bigots who seem to think a mother would want their son disrespected so callously in their name. Without recourse, he is doing what he can. Please explain how that is different [while I document this], Youre right. Even if its not on his licence, this isnt okay. Q: Yes, youve said that before, and its been made clear to you that this is not an acceptable reason, and you were told to stop it again. Its a little annoying (not nearly to the extent of being deadnamed, though), but it also blows the its haaaaaaaaard not to use real names! argument out of the water. I dont get Lizzys reasoning at all. You know, there are so many people here who are eager to volunteer as Johns substitute mom (in case his own isnt sufficiently eager to tear Elizabeth Maiden name a new orifice) that Im now imagining that we all get together and totally mess with her head. Document conversations, put things in email and keep hard copies at home, etc. Its gross. I came here to say this, too, HR saying that it isnt harassment because he is trans is INSANE she is LITERALLY doing this ONLY to the trans person in the office. Shes behaving appallingly and should be treated as an employee who is violating the law and exposing the company to massive liability, not to mention being intentionally hurtful to a coworker. the entire tone, the frequency, the apology (or lack thereof) (and apology doesnt need to be drawn out, just a polite oops, cryptid or sorry, I mean cryptid is plenty from an ally who slipped up). You have something that causes you problems? Ooh, this got my. John should not have to be taking steps on his own, and whilst this might seem awesome its almost certainly taking an emotional toll on him and sapping energy that he could be putting into his work or his family or his NaNoWriMo novel or literally anything except dealing with harassment the workplace. Yes, this. You have more optimism about deadnaming than I do. The ONLY exceptions are if their preferred name is utterly inappropriate no I wont call you sex god, master, ballmeister or ni**agirl (yes, all of those are actual examples) or if you have enough students with the same first name that you need to either a) ask if they would be willing to use a middle name or b) go to everyones last name I had a calculus teacher who literally didnt know my first name I was on his list as S. Middle name Last name, because there were six girls named S in our class of 29, and two of us had last names that were similar enough to muck everything up. I would not hesitate to run down and help correct someone or call the cops if they are being disrespectful. Yeah, this. That might help you get more traction than asking her manager to tell her to stop being an ass. Johns doing *great* but wow he should not have to. Hope John reads this somehow. But as it stands, Johns personal history is on the table because of Lizzys transphobia, and that requires an immediate and forceful response i.e. People like ELIZABETH MAIDENNAME really piss me off though. I so valued their input on this and told them so, so they felt very comfortable correcting me, usually after class so we could talk about it. There is a PDF there with a summary and a video with detailed explanations, there is a graphical explanation there, etc. Here is your virtual trophy! Gosh, typed that too quick. OMG Ive run the gamut of emotions reading this post (in the car with husband and newborn baby) red faced with fury, knot in my stomach from anxiety (omg stop. High fives and applause to John from me too! Is this the reputation you want?, Lizzie, a good number of people realize what this is, its called hatred. This really does rise to that level. So how does Lizzy know shes even respecting Johns mothers wishes? Anyone who has even a passing familiarity with the ways in which trans people get harassed knows exactly what this is. I would give Lizzy one more chance, and then fire her, if I were her manager, and Id be happy to have her gone. WTF? If she knew today what coming out at work would trigger, would she do it again? 2) Similarly, if Lizzys manager is afraid to manage lizzy because lizzy is pushier, then be just as pushy as lizzy (or more so!) On the other hand, sometimes we need information to respectfully interact with people. Hes not doing anything wrong. when calling him back. Sorry, was trying to reply to The New Wanderer there. Alternatively, OP could consider having Lizzies manager inform OP of what Lizzie needs to communicate to John. It sounds like youre not going to get any sort of company wide training but maybe supplying Lizzie with some literature as an FYI. I hate it. Like 1.) Dont ask a transgender person what their real name is. How did lizzy find these articles unless she was deliberately snooping. They also were the one to talk to me about the difference between the terms transgender and transgendered. Her mother considered a slap in the face, but most people didnt deal with her mother on a daily basis. I understand that the LW has limited control over this person, but as a starting point, LW needs to start framing this as an actual harassment/discrimination issue, rather than just a Lizzy-being-a-jerk issue. I dont think thats what terfs think. Alex Keaney Solaas, a 30-year-old trans woman from Boston, came out at her former workplace in January 2020. How can you tell?). You need to send the message to all your staff. Yes! Give her hell that wont bounce back on you! They knew that I very much wanted to use the right language and be as supportive as possible, and were willing to put in the labor to help me, which was amazing. Lizzy is an ass and I dont understand why shes still employed there. Me, too. Idk. Thank you for listening and really understanding! My mother fiercely protected my right to be called what I wanted to be called, even within the family and was like Stop degrading my child by disrespecting her wishes.. Like does he want you to always call it out, would he rather do that himself? Herfriend invited any questions after she read the letter and there really weren't any. I wasnt going to accommodate bigotry anyway. Thats really all there is to it. I hope your parent has a large network of loving and supportive people in their life! And to add on to this, I would be SHOCKED if John werent already looking for a new job at this point. When she was a young child, she declared she wanted to be called Pat. Hope Johns mom is as supportive as mine. Not that his private self is any of her business!). If I was a coworker, I would be raising holy hell every time it happened in my presence. I know its bad, but I also love that John came up with this. They need to be at HRs door first thing in the morning demanding that actions be taken against Lizzie to get her to stop. This woman is a sadist. Dont stop fighting. Of course in that case, were all gonna need more postcards. His name is Robert Paulson. Chad was a massive jerk, but the way she handled it was so funny and perfect. Betsy Wetsy has a certain appeal. John gets to do the Elizabeth thing as a coping method because he doesnt have the power to do anything else, but OP should not do that because OP does have power and should be using it, not playing games or trying to get Lizzie to change her mind by this example (changing Lizzies behavior immediately is what matters most right now, not being gentle and trying to change her mind). Company policy clearly states you call everyone by their preferred name. My dad is an Alex, by the wayso I had definite ideas about that! You can back John up if he refuses to acknowledge her if she deadnames him. That is so hurtful. OP needs to say, every time, His name is John. Instead they keep it inside and still unconsciously reek havoc on someones life, just they arent mean-girl Lizzying. Lots of passive enablers exist within this world. I didnt think that would happen. I hope John gets a great lawyer. When I got older I no longer wanted to use it, but it took years to get my extended family to stop. Im LIVID omg. This can include friends, family, a therapist, or a support group. WebComing out as trans is so freeing and rewarding but it comes at a great personal cost sometimes. Intentionally calling someone by a name theyve asked you not to use would be bullying and wrong even if John wasnt trans. Creating a framework for trans employees to safely come out at work and experience psychological and emotional safety is vital. I didnt know that thanks for correction! If he can tell her my coworker would like to call me by my old name to honor you (or something along those lines) then the mom can respond with oh well thats not very nice, and I like your new name (or something along the lines with Im okay with your new name). If she asks, Should I give this to Sally to work on? The reply should simply be a flat, There is no Sally here. Nothing further, no explanation. And if the good people of his office can act really confused when she calls him Sally. Sure, dude. I cant bear one more terrible anecdote about Lizzies behavior), CACKLING at Johns genius, and literally fist pumping and yelling YESSSS to Alisons response. Dirikja became Doris, etc. Im not even LGBT Savvy and I know that this is not okay. You can call her up and tell her to stop, now. I had a gender non-binary student in my class and they were a godsend in helping me clear up my use of terms. Wow. what you should do is immediately begin calling her Elizabeth MaidenName and encouraging everyone else in your department to do so until HR or Elizabeth relents and apologizes to John. With this put in writing on legally discoverable record I cant think of any non-idiotic HR org that wouldnt take action simply to CYA. 274K subscribers in the asktransgender community. Oh, this put me in froth-at-the-mouth mode. I guess Lizzy is signing up for my Garbage People of 2020 competition. Love this. As long as Im told of it, I will make a note in my roster both so I can match the name they use with record keeping, and also so that I can be sure I address them properly. You owe that to John. Then for a number of years, known as simply A. ), but the responsibility is the managements/HRs. Like, its not even sort of casual. Being petty in the workplace isnt a great solution, but its the last solution John has now that everyone in the office, including HR, has completely failed him. I think that OP should directly call out her action for what it is, which is bigotry. It sound like youve been communicating verbally with hr and Elizabeths manager. Is it not widespread knowledge yet within the company what shes doing? Second of all, she was so insufferable that every single iteration of her class ended up with 3-9 people who hadnt dropped out by the final, no joke. I suspect that it would especially if harassment like that is allowed to continue. See, youre thinking like that because youre a rational person who thinks pointing out the flaws in other peoples professed reasons for bad behavior will get them to stop, out of shame if nothing else. At all. With a middle name of Rockford. It's best to ask a person their pronouns, rather than assume them. Ive been reading down the comments, and so far 3 different people have referred to Lizzy as Sally. Elizabeth, this tired bigotry is getting hard to watch without gagging Also, in cases of harassment, if a report brings cases of harassment to their supervisor, the supervisor has to report it. My roommate decided to change his name to something completely different during his transition. See: JK Rowling. This person would not be doing this is she found out John used to go by Gus as a kid. Another mother of a transgender person here. Such people do not deserve respect, since they cant give it themselves. Over the top and not realistic, but very, very clear. Plus Lizzys already shown that shes too much of a hypocrite/ not capable of comprehending the concept of I dont like it when you do it to me, therefore I should not do it to you either. bizarre. Obviously, I knew the line about respecting Johns mother was nonsense, but I have to a certain extent been going along with it in that Ive been a bit gentle about telling Lizzy off. What Its Like To Legally Change Your Name When Youre Trans. Thank you, Alison! I would 1000% start calling her Elizabeth Maidenname in solidarity with John. My total respect to you for supporting John through this. Heres the (epic) update. It is definitely lame to have to call in the mom card when youre dealing with a grownup coworker dispute but hey in this situation it might be just what you need. And let HR know what you are doing. I laughed hard at his comeback though its sad he has to have one. What someones mother wanted is not the standard we use here and bringing someones mother into the equation is not appropriate in a professional environment., Exactly! Heck, my brother was just 5 years old when he declared he wanted to go by his full name instead of the nickname everyone (our parents included) had been using for him and we immediately all respected his choice and changed what we called him, and he was a preschooler! Haha! But I asked if I should do that They would literally say he didnt say hes trying to hurt you to excuse it. My uncles birth name was *Lucky*. What tf is his name Elizabeth Maidennames business? It might be wise to see what else is going on with Lizzie also. In 2012, the Human Rights Campaign found that out of 636 companies analyzed, 207 provided healthcare coverage to transgender employees. Lizzie SUCKS. I completely forgot that. Maternal endorsement or not, the proper result of that is no job. Not Johns mom but the mom of a transgender person here. She needs to be stopped, hard. From the depths of the office came the pediatricians voice she said Make a new damn folder.. My wife, Zoe, is transgender. I would have a hard time just keeping my fist away from this creeps face! We experience higher rates of depression and anxiety, economic insecurity, and social isolation even during good times. Usually in combination with some variation of Dont you respect how your parents raised you? Its nice transphobia via identity denial. Lots of people dont use their birth name, and nobody blinks twice. Id loop in someone who has the power to fire the perpetrator, though. but it sounds like you are higher than her in the general office chain and you may have more standing then you think to address this more forcefully then so far, because youve been wishy-washy on this. Numerous federal courts and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission have agreed that discrimination because an employee or job applicant is transgender or gender non His mother haaaaaaates his new name. One of my employees came out as non-binary last summer and has started using a new name, Alex, and they/them pronouns. Its not just Elizabeth MaidenName that looks horrible here, its also her boss, HR, and the company as a whole for not stopping this in its tracks. My wife, Zoe, is transgender. I have no patience with people like Elizabeth, and her logic is dumb on so many levels I lost count. She came out to us the kids and me last summer and then slowly spread her beautiful feminine wings with extended family, friends, and neighbors. (Exit lizzy and lazy HR and lazy manager). If I were the LW, I would be willing to spend a little capital on this. From there, she talked to a few other close friends at work, who gave her the confidence to come out to the entire organization on April 2, just two days after Trans Day of Visibility. I always get a boys and a girls stocking and fill them with exactly the same things. It is disrespectful. Theyre how we interface with the world. It was glorious to see her put them in her place. Not that it should matter, but Im real curious what Johns mother would have to say about this. . What John is doing is giving Lizzy a living demonstration of what it is like to be deliberately mis-named, and she dislikes it. And I cant stand people like Lizzy Ive known many younger conservatives of one stripe or another who dont think, or act, like she does, and shes the type (one of many, Im afraid) that gives us all a bad name. Now I am even angrier at Lizzy. OMG if only Johns mother could call Elizabeth and chewed her out about this! That woman deserves a promotion! Its almost never true. Have any cases been tried in the US yet in accordance with the recent Supreme Court ruling about LGBT being a protected status federally? Im not sure why Lizzie thinks respect for Johns mother trumps respect for John himself! Im DETERMINED to have the new name down by the time COVID stops keeping us isolated from each other! The sooner you put that behind you, the better this is all going to be for you. I think even if John doesnt have complaints about how the company as a whole treats me, this is still worth addressing with higher ups at HR due the huge liability. I would have cut off contact sooner if Id realized that, but I should have done it when she wouldnt call me what I wanted to be called. Talk to HR about how youre worried this will end in a lawsuit. Be blunt. It was strange and super awkward and might have nudged her to settle on her name. Also am I missing the context where Elizabeth has reason to think Sally was Johns mothers choice at all? shouldnt have to deal with her anymore. And THAT is all I care about. She doesnt deserve the benefit of the doubt at all. Johns malicious compliance here makes me want to reach through the internet and give him a high five, and a hug if he would accept one. John really should consult an attorney. (I suppose that is too much to hope.). Is Johns mother around? Its just a random thought I had. My mother would have read Lizzy the riot act, and I would have found a way to let her. This is outrageous and your HR person and Lizzies manager suck. This letter hits home a 1st cousin who I adore, was known as Anthony for most of their life. As an Elizabeth myself, I LOVE Johns solution to this problem. This is outrageous to the point of being insulting. Youre not a friend if you dont make the effort. So be pushy, be loud, and keep following up Have you talked to Lizzy yet? This is still a problem, when will you be talking to Lizzy? What Lizzy is doing is unacceptable. If people want to think I cant tell a lie, Ill never disabuse them of their pet belief. Im not transphobic, Im just siding with the transphobic person Ive never met! My in-laws have been using my BILs new name and pronoun since the beginning even though theyre not 100% on board with his transition.
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