This interplay of surprise and self-image can make it harder to process the nice things we hear about ourselves. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. The etiquette is to stick to compliments that really convey someone's social value, she says. Like Bohns and Boothby, Epley and Zhao found that the participants were consistently pessimistic in their predictions of the conversation. They assumed that their acquaintance would be less pleased, and feel more awkward, than they actually felt when receiving the compliment. It's no secret that men tend to be very visual. But if it was a woman saying them it's fine? Maybe they're your future soul mate. Try it! The securely attached child knows she is separate and individual, and she's given the space to be herself. All rights reserved. Archived post. This includes things like noticing the detail they may have put into their appearance (such as complimenting someones accessory choice in their outfit) or even being extra appreciative of a service they provided to you (like telling your waiter at a restaurant that their friendly service made your whole day). They'll probably be just fine. When I told someone my age at a thrift store that we had a similar taste in style, we ended up exchanging Instagram usernames and have now become friends! !Your daily compliments to the shy one at work whose name no one knows can help her break out of her shyness and, who knows? But, as with any interaction, its important to be aware of comments towards others that can potentially be harmful even if its unintentional and it comes from an initial place of positivity. Sin cere compliments build trust. Giving people compliments is, IMO, one of the most underrated forms of encouraging your personal body positivity and overall habits of self-care. There's a knock-on effect. They don't know me but they took time to compliment me, and I don't see how that is so wrong and anti feminist. If receiving a compliment makes you uncomfortable, you arent alone. It happens to the best of us: we all have those days when were feeling a little bit off, a little blue or just plain cranky. This is where the last two stages of the surprise sequence come in. Be nice to someone right now and see what happens. The better you feel internally, the less likely you are to get physical symptoms in the future. It's difficult to give someone genuine praise if you're constantly looking down at your phone, something we already know isn't good for our mental or physical health. But I feel like the general consensus that all decent human beings share is that rude sexual comments aren't ok. Shitty people will make those comments still, but why does that mean the nice guy who tells me my blouse is pretty is a patricarical jerk? Many times, you'll want to compliment a stranger when they're passing by or during a short timeframe, whether in the elevator or waiting for coffee. But the vast majority of the time, the genuine. She told me how a pimp then locked her with another girl in an abandoned house, and she had a new job: having sex with strangers against her will. I especially liked the way you formatted those graphs. While you may not feel immediately comfortable to give presentations in front of hundreds, complimenting a stranger can help you practice breaking the ice and can serve as a gateway to feeling more comfortable when speaking to strangers. But the real exchange was far more pleasant. Though most strangers were wearing face masks, their surprise in receiving the compliment and happiness to accept it was obvious. TL;DR: what makes people stare at someone for longer than normal? His next book is The Expectation Effect: How Your Mindset Can Change Your World, to be published in early 2022. Yes, this is indeed a game changer for everyone. Below is a series of questions to help you dig deeper and explore why compliments may make you uncomfortable. After we try to find an explanation for the compliment we received (Stage 2: Find), we begin shifting our perspective (Stage 3: Shift) to try and shuffle that new information into our existing schema about ourselves. Someone noticed me! If your compliment shows a genuine appreciation and admiration for the other person, youll likely receive a smile in return! Its a really efficient way to make other people feel happy.. Compliments give others a piece of positivity throughout their day. Compliment . I had deep red lipstick on today and people seemed to be staring at that, for whatever reason. (Stage 2: Find.) Being present is a great exercise to ground your body in real-time, forgetting about the future or the past. If a stranger is looking directly at your face, a reason that they may be doing so is sadly because they are judging you. Here are the top 7 reasons to make a compliment to someone every day, whether youre under a black cloud or rainbow: Any time you can break the habit of stinkin thinkin even just for a second, youre shifting your attention from all the things going wrong in your day and putting it on helping make someone elses day a little sunnier. Did you grow up hearing statements like, Its not that big a deal, or, Dont let it get to your head? Reflecting on those experiences, how do you think those incidents impacted your current experience? I usually stay in the house most the time because i have social anxiety and depression, and i only feel safe alone. Complimenting others can be your form of meditation, keeping you focused on your mission and aware of the present. Something as small as being kind to a stranger can help you physically feel good and build up your defense against stress and its physical symptoms. Do you explain why what you did was not that good? Would teachers regularly praise one student to make others feel jealous? Not only do compliments make the recipients feel good, but they will make you feel good as well! Knowing strategies to fix problems or prevent them is important. Dysfunctional family dynamics do not discriminate among socioeconomic status. 94 Ask Meta/Reddit 94 comments Top 10 yr. ago Every day by my boyfriend and by my students. I need some creative input, and you are the best thinker I know. While its hard to change our conditioned responses overnight, here are three ways to help transform our relationship with praise: 1) Know its about the giver, not you (the receiver) 2) Reframe vulnerability as openness 3) Recognize your learned behaviors. And this isnt far from the truth a 2012 scientific study from the Public Library of Science found that upon receiving praise and positive feedback, motor skills and motivation improves. How We Work How We Live How We Think More How we think Why we don't dole out many compliments - but should (Image credit: Getty Images) By David Robson 27th July 2021 Giving compliments makes. Small acts of kindness go a long way these days. Your boss might notice the change in your attitude and give you the raise thats been coming to you for the last two years. It's happened to me twice or so and I always feel really overwhelmed. Here's my easy 3-step approach: Make . If your designated stranger has a great sense of style to you, coming up with a proper delivery is key to making sure they feel seen in the right ways. And smiling often leads to laughing, and laughing burns even more calories. However, pushing yourself to speak to someone new not only helps your confidence but improves your ability to socialize. The compliment receiver then returned to the lab with the survey. Read about our approach to external linking. al. You can start by saying a simple thank you.. The world needs good energy. Usually people take compliments better if it's something they possess, not are (eg- purse, earrings, scarf, etc). After the initial surprise, we start to look for answers. Youre heading back to your desk after grabbing some coffee when your boss walks by and compliments your work on a project. I made it my mission to compliment a diverse group of people in various locations. As a more self-aware adult, how might you reframe those incidents to update your past experience, and thus, your current one? That moment could be enough to carry you the rest of the day and keep you happy and productive. Yes, I have experienced rude sexual comments and that shit isn't ok, I get that. Luna and Renninger recommend thinking of your vulnerability not as a weakness but as openness. Does this mean they were feeling bad for me because I'm weird or something. Research shows getting a sincere compliment gives us the same positive boost as receiving cash. Being aware is key for many reasons, but it can also give you a grounding moment often found in meditation. 3) What are the unspoken rules about recognition in your home? A quick "I like your shoes" as you walk by is enough to give you a small boost of confidence when speaking to others. This anxiety was magnified given how social interactions have only become tougher during the pandemic, especially with limited in-person interactions, social isolation, and increased stress in times of transition. Even after a decade of training people on how to give and receive recognition, I still make a conscious effort to not deflect others praise. The more aware you become of your thought patterns and how they impact you, the more liberated you will feel in being able to transform them. I've had men come up and high five me because my style is "rad" but I'm supposed to not like these things? However, it can also do wonders for your own well-being. Do any of these responses feel familiar to you? Around 70% of people in a survey associated feelings of. Yesterday, I was having an absolute crap day. Is your impression correct? Their heart may start racing, their pupils may dilate, and their palms may sweat as their dopamine levels rise. (2012). Backhanded compliments. The next time someone compliments you, try saying this:Wow, that was such a different perspective. Over time the anxiety will wear off and you will begin relating to compliments as nice, non-threatening surprises. But in general, conducting positive actions for others is known to cause positivity within yourself. Our reactions are often influenced by what we see, observe, and experience from those around us. This time around, they found compliment-givers felt anxious before giving their compliments, and those with higher levels of anxiety were more likely to expect the receiver to react negatively to their compliment. But complimenting strangers is incredibly easy to practice throughout your everyday activities and requires a small effort that can go a long way. What is it that makes people want to be shitty to strangers rather than help them or be nice to them? 79% of the participants offering to help with the event publicity, more effective at increasing productivity than cash bonuses, how happy the other person would be to hear the praise, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, did not decline over the course of the week. This might not always go over well either though. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Two researchers, including Cornell social psychologist Vanessa Bohns, conducted a series of studies to better understand how individuals felt before and after giving or receiving compliments. Once out on campus, they gave a brief compliment about the persons clothing, such as I like your shirt. After giving the compliment, the participant handed the compliment-receiver a sealed envelope with a survey inside and waited for them to fill it out and reseal the envelope. Yes! Tasking yourself with genuinely complimenting a stranger every day will make it easier for you to speak to those you don't know. In their first study, the researchers recruited people on a college campus to go to specified locations and give a compliment to the fourth person of the same gender they encountered. If you want to transform your relationship with praise, here are some simple ways to begin. Follow her on Twitter @riannalim02! There is, of course, the danger that you might overdo it. Delving further, Epley and Zhao found that these fears seemed to arise from the participants perceptions of their own social competence; they worried they wouldnt articulate the compliment correctly, without striking the wrong tone. They just care about how nice or kind the compliment is. (The study is awaiting publication at the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.). It's one thing to compliment a friend or loved one, but speaking to a stranger is more challenging. People give compliments because they want to, especially with strangers not for some strange ulterior motive. A well-timed witty comment among friends is good humor. People may divert praise as a way of protecting from future failure, disappointment, or rejection from others,Denise Marigold, associate professor of social development at the University of Waterloo, Canada, told me. If you're constantly on the lookout for giving praise, you'll need to think quickly on your feet to formulate the best way to deliver your message. Was it to just say thank you, praise God, or divert the compliment with your eyes down? An act of kindness, such as giving a compliment, can mean the world to someone going through a rough time. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to connect with someone else, or learn how others experience you or your work. Summa summarum: while I appreciate a compliment, experience has taught me that a compliment can become a really uncomfortable situation which is why I can only enjoy it when I know the situation is fine. Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist But the need for making the days a little brighter for others has only become more clear as we navigate these challenges together. Positive emotions and an increase in dopamine and serotonin can help build your defenses against physical illness. Oftentimes, hearing a compliment from a stranger can feel more genuine than hearing it from someone you know. Procrastination And Laziness: Their Differences & Connections, Bedtime Procrastination: Why You Do It And How To Break It, 15 Books on Procrastination To Help You Start Taking Action, How to Achieve Your Goal Effectively (Step-by-Step Guide), How to Overcome Complacency in the Workplace, How to Commit to Your Passion Projects When Youre Busy, How to Cope With Anxiety-Induced Procrastination, How to Break the Perfectionism-Procrastination Loop, Work Life Balance for Women: What It Means & How to Find It, 6 Essential Mindsets For Continuous Career Growth, How to Discover Your Next Career Move Amid the Great Resignation, The Key to Creating a Vibrant (And Magical Life) by Lee Cockerell, 9 Tips on How To Disconnect From Work And Stay Present. Would your parents praise people to their faces, and then gossip about them after they left? Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, More from The Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research. One interviewee in my study shared, In my house, if you are not being told youre doing something wrong, youre doing it right. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. 4. And even after they witnessed a positive reaction, they still underestimated how good the receiver felt. Leading up to each compliment, I definitely began to understand these factors firsthand. All rights reserved. The people who complimented me were older people, my guess is they have life experience and could tell i was sad and an outcast so thats why they decided to try and uplift me. They are telling you how it made them feel. It keeps us from letting in the kind words and gratitude of others. Our bodys physiological responses to an unexpected event follow a predictable pattern. The Importance of Time Management: 6 Ways It Matters, Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning, 12 Time Wasters That Suck Your Productivity While You Work, How to Live a Full Life (Without Compromising on What Truly Matters), Achieving Goals: The Ultimate Guide to Goal Achieving & Goal Setting in 2022, What Is Motivation And How To Get Motivated (Your Ultimate Guide), How to Increase Mental Focus and Stay Sharp, How To Get Fit If You Have a Busy Schedule, What Is Motivation And How To Get Motivated, What Is Procrastination And How To Stop It, Achieving Goals: The Ultimate Guide to Goal Achieving in 2023. It is only relatively recently that psychologists have paid much attention to our compliments, with the majority of early research examining their persuasive potential. Have a fun conversation about anything that is on your mind. Many of our knee-jerk reactions to compliments are learned behaviors. For me it happens to me so often that people would look at my face for more than just the one second glance and it makes me feel uncomfortable and wonder if there is something in my face or something weird is going on with my appearance. The health and happiness benefits of the compliment giver are also well-documented. They found compliment-givers drastically overestimated how bothered, uncomfortable, and annoyed the receiver would feel, and this likely prevents people from giving more compliments. In this study, they again recruited pairs of participants who already knew each other. Do you tend to make jokes? 4) Growing up, did people around you regularly use praise inauthentically? If you compliment a friend, partner or colleague excessively, they might become bored of your praise or even start to find it a bit cloying. Needless to say, the results gave way to a lot of smiles, lessons learned, and even a new perspective on what it really means to spread positivity. (To reduce potential misunderstandings about their motives, the participants were asked to approach someone of the same gender.) People generally dont realise that something so small could have such a big impact, explains Vanessa Bohns, a professor of social psychology at Cornell University, US, and author of You Have More Influence Than You Think. Answer (1 of 6): Wish I knew. And then one nasty mental bitch just starts lecturing me out of the blue, after 3 years and she is the one I remember most. Their compliments are sincere and you can believe them. In a study of more than 400 people that I conducted in Boston a few years ago, nearly 70% of people associated feelings of embarrassment or discomfort with recognition or receiving a compliment. 6) When someone catches you off guard with a compliment now, what are your most common responses? Why Survivors of Family Trauma See Themselves in Prince Harry, How Family Estrangement May Benefit Trauma Survivors, 10 Reasons Being Single Can Be an Excellent Option, 3 Simple Ways to Improve Any Relationship. Why a Simple Act of Kindness Is Not as Simple as It Seems: Underestimating the Positive Impact of Our Compliments on Others. Reddit, Inc. 2023. What do you do? And like we just saw in Reason #3, when someone notices you, youll feel special even if its just for a moment. I hate that the bad stuff is what sticks. | So, sparking a conversation with total strangers was something I hadnt really practiced for almost two years and I prayed it wasnt obvious when delivering the compliment. It felt uncomfortable and almost unnatural to walk up to someone I had never met before, and I felt the introverted side of myself urge me to abort the mission. Or maybe you happen to run into your favorite Shark Tank investor. Clearly it is not appropriate to compliment someones appearance if there is ever any risk that you might be objectifying them. We momentarily freeze, try to find an explanation for what is happening, shift our perspective, and share our experience with others. Yet three new studies on the psychology of compliment giving and receiving suggest that our fears about the ways our praise will be received are completely unfounded. Very much like the above malware linker, the stranger you just accepted (again often posing as a member of the opposite sex - or again it may be combined with the Facebook cloning scam) will send you links to spoof phishing websites. But we can all surely identify with the sentiment: receiving sincere and well-expressed praise can feel as good as an unexpected windfall. An unattuned mother . Compliments should be sincere It might seem harmless to tell someone that their shoes are pretty, even though you actually think they're hideous. I bring this up because the recent bit on the daily show with Jessica Williams talking about her "feminized world" and street harassment satire that further drove home the feeling in me that something is wrong that I'm not offended by these things. Over the course of my career, I have watched some of the most confident CEOs squirm in their seats when caught off guard by someones praise. When you give a compliment, youre more than likely going to get one in return. Public Library of Science. Another scientific study, conducted in 2020 and published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that people often greatly underestimate the value of compliments and are likely to overestimate how annoyed or bothered the stranger might be by the interaction. Finding something positive to say to someone at least once a day has to the power to remove, say, that persons mental block around a big project theyve been struggling with and clear the pathways for them to get to the solution. Confidence combined with presenting a well put together 'look' is often perceived as "pretty". I ask my friends and they say there is nothing u usual about my outfit or my face. !" While my ultimate goal in giving compliments to strangers was mainly to make others happy, I cant deny the way it made me feel, too. Archived post. Compliment-givers also worried about their ability to effectively give a compliment. While it may initially feel like a stretch, complimenting someone can benefit your physical health. Instead of retreating into insecurity and anxiety after an . David Robson is the author ofTheIntelligenceTrap: Why Smart People Make Dumb Mistakes (out now in paperback). All this to say, many of us respond awkwardly to compliments as an unconscious act of self-protection. Before long, your compliment to a complete stranger could go viral, and strangers everywhere will be smiling at each other, telling the person they just passed on the street something they like about them. When someone else notices even the slightest thing about another person, it can shout to that person, Hey! Instead of being pulled down into a constant cycle of negativity, try complimenting a stranger to keep yourself feeling positive. My feeling is, that I am not alone feeling this way which is why many also are against random street compliments in general. For instance, if your parents responded to recognition by making jokes, praising God, or diverting others compliments, you may find yourself doing the same. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan, Imagine that youre sitting in a coffee shop enjoying your drink and reading the paper when someone taps you on the shoulder. Stage 2: Find an explanation for what is happening. People keep staring at me. What I realized was that the initial nerves subsided immediately after delivering the compliment and I soon learned that, so long as your compliment comes from a genuine place of positivity, theres really nothing to be worried about. Much of my work involves slowing down these conditioned responses so that we can begin to let ourselves feel gratitude. The next time you find yourself trying to positively affirm your way out of that bad mood and the best you can do is mumble a near-profanity through clenched teeth, take a look around and pay a compliment to the first person you see. Praise from one's partner can make someone with low self-esteem feel pressured to live up to . Can only assume it was a soul mate just passing th. If you are hoping to apply this research yourself, Bohns emphasises the importance of context. A higher degree of dopamine release lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, making you less likely to . Sometimes a man is genuinely overcome by your beauty and will tell you you're beautiful, stunning, gorgeous or elegant without even thinking about it. The effects of the flattery were dramatic, with 79% of the participants offering to help with the event publicity, compared with only 46% of participants in a control group, who had not received the compliment. The conclusion: Anxiety about talking to a stranger and worry about not effectively delivering a compliment likely discourages people from delivering compliments to strangers. Maybe you'll make some friends in the process. Giving compliments makes us anxious, but new research shows that praising people has huge benefits for both parties.