Thank you for reading this. They were the preferred children, pampered and viewed as more valuable by being the baby, the golden-haired girl, and as the babies they werent expected to work as hard as the older children. My sister and I forced to do a lot of housework whilst she malingered in bed pretending to be ill whilst my father was out at work. My sister, who got a Masters in social work, deemed her as having at least one personality disorder including borderline. Scapegoated children can find the narcissistic parents hatred too violent to withstand. Through many years of counseling and tons of self study, I have been diagnosed with a curable PTSD type of mental illness resulting from decades of abuse in a narcissistic family. Before quarantine, she went daily to a chain coffee shop. Rather, they are typically targeted because of their strengths. My mother also wanted to get rid of any signs that I ever existed and also extended this to my two children. As we are divorced and I see my ex for what he is, I want to protect my children as much as I can. However the last time I bought her a gift card to this restaurant, she was angry, saying shed never use it because she doesnt go there. It took years to overcome the damage, at least partially. The help you give me with these notes is beyond description. He came in 2 points below Ted Bundy. After that i silently took bullying at school and never shared with family and took their bullshit as well when i would get home. Shes the one who can break free from the unhealthy dynamics of the family and do her best to create a healthy life and recover from the lies she was told about herself since the day she was born. And he would have to go to extreme lengths to do so. I felt like maybe I deserved it. I have avoided conflict ever since which means I self isolate when I feel hurt instead of confronting the person who hurt me. The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family. From the start, evr since I can remember, I was a disappointment to my father, firstly because his firstborn wasnt the much wanted prayed for boy and as my character formed, he didnt like my intelligence, curiosity, sense of moral integrity and justice, and independent thought. This is because, contrary to the way it felt growing up, the Scapegoat is actually the lucky one. They did it some how manulipating the court lying then keeping apart. Nancy stopped chewing, slammed her fork on the plate, and looked with rage at her daughter. But in shortsometimes the scapegoat is the person who sees through all the crap and thats why they dont like us. I cant believe its taken me so long to find out about this but everything adds up and I can relate to every One question I have is about gift-giving. Because I honestly , I hate a thief more then just about anything! It ended in my father suing me over a home we resided in for 7 years. Which I did and spent another 2 decades of my life in an abusive relationship. I was married and the guy went after my families money so now I have a hard time trusting someone without financial freedom or abundance. Thank you for all your words of encouragement , and all of your shares, that you all have given, please know, its not that Im glad that a single one of you all have suffered this kind of abuse too As I have As I am not glad at all . The Dynamics of Scapegoating in Small Groups, Small Group Research (November, 1989), vol, 20 (4), pp. I just wanted to keep the peace and make everyone happy. HI Jay, I was scapegoated badly in my family of origin (called paranoid for decades, its still going on). I dont do that anymore but really want my son to continue learning the truth about his upbringing. As you say, people cant stand it when someone is self-contained and perfectly happy being that way. He or she can only bear so many. Its taken me six decades to gain a calm kind of independence, self-respect, clarity to push back from my mothers manipulative deep emotional grasp. As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother, you feel the sting of shame but thinkit is your fault, not hers. Period. I have no one to act as a barrier to stop my brother completely getting to me. Your story about your relative reminds me of my cousin, her narcissism and entitlement. Thank you again. Hi Nikki. Thank you. M.S. I wish I left her in my past when she disowned me and that I never let her back into my life because now that I have a. I know exactly what youre talking about. Happy memories of mom she She eventually let me have a parrot though, whom still shares my life and one of the best things that has happened to me. This individual rode on the coattails of another powerful public figure, and left us for a lateral promotion. One way to cope with the horrific fact that your parent hates you for who you, is to substitute the idea that they hate you for what you, Making this shift can afford the scapegoated child enough psychological breathing space to go on functioning, The reason is that this strategy offers hope that the parent might have a change of heart if the child can, The drawback to this survival strategy is that the scapegoated child is thrust in to an endless loop of trying in the face of failure, No matter what the scapegoated child tries: do his chores, , buy the narcissistic parent a gift, get good grades, etc., the parent will, In this system the child may redouble her efforts to succeed rather than surrender to the horrible reality they face, As adults they may feel ill-at-ease when not doing some activity to better themselves in some way or another, Stretches of free time can feel foreboding because the privilege of enjoying their own company was one their parent, Scapegoated children often feel like their existence hangs in the balance of each moment. Mom died last year which I was at her bedside along with my daughter and her caregiver,(who is dating my 94 yr old father now). I am not the only one going through this and its giving me so much hope. Not pay for it. This toxic pattern was well established when my much wanted baby brother arrived a few years later. DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. For the Covertly Narcissistic mother, your boundaries are not respected. Wish you all the best.Teresa, I feel the same , thank you for posting and helping me feel Im normal ! Her limitations cant withstand tolerating your struggle. Or, youll have a good therapist who sees through the lies and tries to treat the real broken dynamic rather than the supposedly broken you. Apparently the military spotted his selfish, childish behaviors early on. I can spot them with a word spoken or movement. I have stayed single, and alone ever since. Traits of a vulnerable (closet, covert) narcissistic motherTraits of a vulnerable (closet, covert) narcissistic motheroriginal sound - Ruth - Cert. I had a similar mom. But also as you say there is bullying in the workplaceand I would say from our public service sector in the UKpolice, medics, prison serviceALL of them are sadists, its an endemic problem. When something good happened, I thought it was a fluke. I am in therapy since this year and gaining awareness about my issues. Check out Peter Walkers CPTSD from surviving to thriving great book. People who think they have a right to treat other people negatively are a reflection of how they see themselves. I believe I deserve to feel sorry for myself/my inner child for a while, to not be ignorant to my suffering with the aim to try to move on. smeared me with lies and distortions of the truth So Ill share my thoughts/experiences too. The list of horror goes on and on. The narcissists self-serving defenses can end up making them defenseless. I think I am the scapegoat and came to this realization at ag4 63. 406-418. Reassuring, helpful, a blessing. Marlene, Thank you for your always-supportive and insightful writings T.A. I thought, I cant do this anymore. I am always plagued with fear that my statements will be twisted against me. These learned behaviors can obscure an underlying covert narcissistic personality disorder. Thats undeniable. I was everything her Mother wanted in a Daughter. This is more like taking a snapshot instead of a video. My first attempt to walk away happened around 2010, and lasted for about 7 years. Many people are confused about what constitutes verbal abuse, which feeds tolerance for abuse. Whats funny about my cousin is that she burned bridges with a lot of people in the family because of itironically enough! He would tell me that everything was my fault. I try to forget about all of them, but it makes me so unhappy to think so many people think I am a monster, including ex friends and colleagues whom mom had literally contacted to slander me. It was sadistic. She is now telling people that she is an orphan at 39 years old, when in fact both of her parents are still alive. However did you get through it. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. The Golden Child, as the name suggests, is the best and most wonderful child at least in the eyes of the Narcissistic Mother. Dont give up. That brings us to the scapegoated child. I lived in the home, I was forced into moving into what was to be a beautiful, remodeled home as I was lead to believe.. my two daughters and I did not get the chance. Trauma Specialist (@thehealingdaughter): "Traits of a vulnerable (closet, covert) narcissistic mother #narcissisticmothers #saviorcomplex #toxicmother #narctraits #fyp". Sending you good positive vibes . Still have self directed anger and always have 1 behavior that supports it. The presence of a designated scapegoat effectively prevents any kind of open dialogue about the mothers behavior or how the family interacts. Yes, your adult relationships with narcissists will cause. Keep calm when calling her out for those behaviors. I got out of an abusive marriage years ago and witnessing the way that older traditional men carry on with subservient spouses, it explains why Im no longer married. As discussed elsewhere, the child fears loss of attachment worse than abuse. Redemption for the Narcissist Family Scapegoat. And youre so traumatized and anxious people think its you that is the problem. My happiest thought about her I would argue the damage is worse because of theinsidious nature of the wounds. Again, the subtext is this;it is her needs that are important. She has showered them with adoration and gifts (as they are still young enough to be pliable and deferential to her bidding) my husband was uncomfortable with this from the beginning but it took me longer to realise this was not the typical generosity of a normal grandmother, it was manipulation and love bombing at the highest level. I believed, my father was innocent, for most of my life, but, in the last 10 years, it became very obvious by his own cruelty toward me ( that he too had never really been on my side either I had seen the proof of it in the past 10 years ) he had been just as envolved as she was , from the very beginning. M I have read all your comments and really feel for you. . I can get around, but not without great and severe pain. Giving a gift to the covertly Narcissistic mother is difficult. So, the other narcissist in our family has gone to extraordinary lengths to be the assigned golden child in the family. As the legacy of scapegoating gets identified and challenged, clients can direct some of that empathy towards themselves. Somewhere in themselves, the scapegoated child knows that their fate is going to be awful: the narcissistic parent is going to thrash them, its, The child must find a way to manage the monumental anxiety they experience in the face of such ongoing threat. The malignant narcissist has sadistic traits in that they actually enjoy hurting others. I didnt have any rules. The worst part is that people dont understand. I can clearly see that now. I think because I can see how pretentious they are, they have never accepted me as one of the family. We have some similarities in our family stories. It is confusing, maddening, and isolating, and it frequently carries with it emotional and physiological damage (CPTSD) that can last a lifetime. Hes such a good man and hes great with my kids. In honor of National Mental Health Week this month, Im writing about a coming out of sorts. Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. I think this is a perfect depiction of what it is like to be a scapegoated child. . The bringing forth of themselves that an act of disagreement requires was, ) lead the scapegoated child to conclude that he or she cares, . if you really want to know how I see it.. ..Ive just finally had enough .! I am in my 50ies with an obvious history of bad relationship experiences, poor social life, scattered employment history, modest financial resources. Thank you. My name is Donna my current age is 63 your article has been a blessing to me and my life story was in your words that I read. But you're smart. My n-mum has never graciously excepted a gift from people, no matter who gives it or what it is. Anyway, they are aware of bullying and abuse and are Filly responsible of that, Mine dont and would never ever think this is true in fact they are so good they have my entire family jarring me as well thinking Im this cruel person which honestly the entire world thinks and I no longer care. My mother would wake me in middle of night n tell me someones outside n we would go from window to window in the dark n sometimes she made us scramble to get lil brother and baby sister ready and make us run outside quickly to car. The drawback to walking away is giving up on the large family. I never answered the persistent banging on all my doors and windows and only heard my mother speaking to a neighbour who told me the following day about a woman with my mother who fit my sisters description. He would call me ugly, say that I was a piece of shit, that I stank, etc. But the last straw was my mother triggering me deliberately by a snide dig at my deceased husband. I am nearly 55. never praised or even hugged me She takes the advantage of her moms allegiance to secretly torment me with hideous behaviour; when pointed out, my mother and sister all together cause all hell to break loose, shouting, threatening and making vice of every action and statement of mine. So when I buy her a bottle, she suddenly claims she doesnt like it. I feel like giving this article to my son to read. The next vacation (I know, I know) my husband and I made a political comment she didnt agree with when we were in the car (she was driving) and she purposely hit all the curbs flying down the road at 50 miles an hour. On her way to yet another bingo game, she made a left turn into the path of a dump truck and totaled her car (his fault, of course). When I tried discussing the evil patterns, theyd shut me down. The scapegoat is the one most likely to care about and fight for justice within the inherently unfair narcissist family system, defending herself and others often in direct opposition to the narcissist. By casting the animal out, the tribe symbolically guaranteed itself a clean slate going forward. I have severe anxiety disorder and ADHD, clinical diagnoses.. my process and prioritization to a successful completion is hard in deep complex projects. I understand the basics of why scapegoats tend to become emotionally reactive but Id like to dig deeper and I havent found good resources on the internet for this specific aspect of scapegoating abuse, though there are many resources that include emotional reactivity and hypersensitivity when listing typical traits of the scapegoated child. Guilt-Tripping Mother? In BOTH cases the vicious narcissist parents were NOT the scapegoated children. I know he did this because he made me and my older sister sit on the couch as his audience. The only emotions they know are Rage, and anger. They can be very intelligent. To do so would be to defy the narcissists contention that they are good-for-nothing. I believe the damage is called, mental death. are very empathic with everyone but themselves. Now he has succeeded in turned my 26 year old daughter against me. People dont understand unless they have been through it themselves. It was astoundingly cruel, and she was dense and truly self-destructive in addition to her terrible treatment of you. I have a 5 year old daughter when she was first born that I wish I never told her I was having a baby becuase after everything she did to me I tried to forgive her and she stabbed me in the back again and ruined my child birth experience She called a case worker on me because I kept asking her not to kiss my child She kissed her right above her eye my mom was taking up all the attention in my hospital room I guess she had it in her mind from the begining that she was going to leave the hospital with my child because when they came in to teach my how to install the car seat she jumped in front of me to do it and I had to say something about Im the one that needs to know how to do it . She will give it back to them later out of the blue, she will hide it in a closet then donate it, or she will have an all out fight, especially with my dad. Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?